4 Comments

Child Free To Be You And Me

You can choose to remain child free. Same-sex couples make superior parents. Yes, these two statements go together.

Most people follow the course of their parents and their culture, without really making a decision for themselves.

Most people go from being a son or daughter to being a husband or wife to being a father or mother – without really making a conscious choice. They just do what is culturally expected of them.

This is one of the reasons same sex couples make superior parents. They have to really make the choice, and find a surrogate, or a donor, and go through a long, emotional process to have the baby, the child, the right to raise a child under a roof where that child has been fought for – before he/she has even been conceived. Talk to any child raised by a same-sex couple and you are likely to be speaking with a person of superior intellect and enhanced capacity to love. If you have a problem with a same-sex couple raising a child, you are an idiot.

On the contrary, those who are heterosexual and have chosen to remain child free receive much the same idiotic judgment when it comes to their decision. Those of us who have made this choice have done so because it is our right to choose a path other than the norm. Not everyone wants the responsibility or the heartache of raising another person. This is just as viable a choice as those who just go along with expectations. In fact, those who have chosen to remain child free have made a choice that is best for them – they should be admired for knowing what they wanted before making a lifelong commitment to follow the norm.

Just because you have made one choice, or mindlessly became a parent, that is your problem and your responsibility and your choice.

It is not your right to then pass judgment on those who have made a choice unlike yours.

Remaining child free is the best decision for many, and those many should be respected for knowing who they are and what they want in life. No one – and I mean no one – who has or has had a teenager disagrees with this.

At 12 years old, I announced to my family that I would never have a child. My step-monster said, “oh Laura … at some point, you will have a biological need to want to have a child, and you will meet a man with whom you will want to share a family … you’ll change your mind about this.” I said, as I stuck out my hand, “‘l’ll bet you a grand that I will not change my mind and will never want a child.” She laughed and shook my hand.

That bitch owes me a grand … plus interest AND DAMAGES. ; )

4 comments on “Child Free To Be You And Me

  1. I agree that most people go through life following some familial or cultural pattern that is already laid out for them. Maybe they are happy doing that. I don’t know. When I tried to do that I became so unhappy and angry, I HAD to find my own thoughts and desires. It’s a tall order, though, after having been in 2 cults, plus strong family conditioning. I am still searching for myself though.

    • Thank you for commenting! I have found that people do what they think is expected of them whether these perceived expectations are true or not. When most people start to examine the choices they’ve made, most say that they have never thought about it like that or something similar. It’s comfortable to just sort of tow the line rather than forge your own path. Most people do not want to challenge their familt dynamics so much that it puts them outside the norm.

      But life is all about self-discovery whether we acknowledge it or not. Our souls are so much more in tune with all the love that’s around us at every moment and it is our job to go inward and examine what we truly want and do not want in our lives, without negative judgment. I find a lot of bad parenting comes from people who just followed what they thought was expected of them, and then resent their children, parents, everyone else for their lack of freedom or the difficulty of raising children. There is no choice more permanent than having children and it should be a choice made with clear understanding that your life will forever take a backseat to your child’s needs. Great parents are more than willing to teach, love, mentor and encourage their children (like great teachers) and those who make this choice, wanting to do this are the ones who should be parents. But not everyone wants to spend their lives this way and this should be just as acceptable as the norm of having children.

      We need to procreate the human species yes, but we also need to fulfill our personal dreams and goals and this choice should be applauded. We also need to be mindful of overpopulation of planet earth, which is another subject entirely. 😉

  2. what were your reasons for not wanting a child, at 12 years old?

    • I knew even then that being a parent and raising a child was not something I wanted or needed to experience. I remember feeling the changes that were happening to me when becoming a teenager and I apologized to my parents for what I was about to become. I was a challenging teenager. It felt like I was insane.

      My father had told me that he loved me more than he could express and would never change a thing about his choices but … Just because most people followed a certain path did not mean I had to do the same. He said that he had a family because that is just what you did — go from a being a son to a husband/father but he did not make a conscious choice to become a parent. He let me know that I could do whatever I wanted to do without any pressure to follow the masses.

      Even as a young girl I knew gay couples without children (and no intention of having them) and they were happier and more connected than married people with children. In fact, one ‘married’ couple I knew (two men) were in show business, traveling the world with lots of income and we’re the happiest couple I knew. My examples were the married ones with children and the gay ones without. My choice was clear. I wanted freedom to travel and do whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I have accomplished a gay marriage while being straight. Pretty impressive.

      I just knew what I wanted and to remain child free was (is) one of the smartest decisions I’ve made in life. I love spending time with children. I do not love the loss of personal freedom and dreams after having children. I do not love the changes that take place for most of us as teenagers and I knew that I never wanted that rebellion and anger and deceit in my life — especially from a life I had created for which I was responsible. Seven or eight years of trying to help a teenager under the influence of raging hormones is not my idea of a good life.

      My dad let me know that of all the choices in life, there was none more permanent than becoming a parent. He gave me a choice based on freedom and without pressure for grandchildren. I see a lot of parents pressure their children for grandchildren and find this to be quite selfish. Having grandchildren must be an amazing experience since you are not directly responsible for the child but even that is still not a good enough reason (for me) to have children.

      What’s really interesting is when parents who’s children are older, out of the house and on their own wonder at the choice I made with admiration. Their children have abandoned them (or so they feel) and they have to fight them to want to spend time with together. I did not think of that when I was 12 but the idea of the ’empty nest’ syndrome I did see as inevitable and made a conscious choice to avoid that lonely experience.

      I see a lot of parents resenting their children for their loss of freedom and find this to be sad. Even if they just did what they thought was expected of them and did not know what they were getting into, it’s a bit late to be resentful after the children are born. Your freedom, as a parent, is permanently changed … Forever.

      I take my responsibilities very seriously and the choices I make are well thought through. I started practicing making choices for which I could be proud at 12. What can I say? I can put myself emotionally in a place in the future, the place of a parent for example, and decide from that if I want to go there.

      Thanks for asking. Most of the time, people ask why I did not have children as if there must be something wrong with me. To ask how I came to the decision is a respectful way to ask. That said, I do love and care for my 4 legged children (one at a time) very well. In fact, I probably take better care of my dogs than most people take of their children. Then again, dogs never grow up to tell you to ‘fuck off’ and blame you for everything that is wrong with their life. ; )

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