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Alcoholics Anonymous — Destroying Relationships One Step At A Time

Hello Enlightened Ones!
It was requested of me to share this letter on my blog.  This woman wants more than anything for people to know that this cult religion commonly known as AA (the 12 steps), is a controlling and manipulative place.  Unfortunately, this story is sickeningly commonplace.  Sponsors in this cult religion sabotage relationships with anyone who is not One of Us.  Here is just one sad example of this manipulation.

An Open Letter to My True Love’s Sponsor

I am angry. I have been furious for many, many months. I will try my best to maintain some professionalism. I want to communicate with you effectively. I want you to hear this. I want you to hear every word.

I am not a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous. You likely know that many people aren’t.
Unfortunately for those who need support, the organization has evolved into something evil. The philosophy is flawed, but the execution is out of control.

I am not an addict. I did many, many drugs of all types. I was lucky that I’m the type who can keep it under control, moderate, and stop when it starts to go too far. One of my siblings is an addict. Many of my friends are addicts and I have seen the tragedy first-hand.

The friends who sought help from AA were the worst tragedies. The success statistics of AA are appalling. AA is not about leading addicts to a healthy lifestyle. It’s about isolating and controlling members, making them dependent, and keeping the numbers high. Not too hard to make an addict dependent, is it? The more they fall off the wagon, the more they keep coming back.

I was harshly abused throughout childhood. As a result, I have the control issues that are so common among abuse survivors. Many AA members come from similar backgrounds. Serious problems arise when those with control issues become sponsors – trusted authority figures with deep emotional problems and a desperate need to control.

There is no leadership, no chain of command, to step in to regulate this flawed organizational structure.

There are stories everywhere about sober spouses who encouraged their addict partners to seek out AA, out of love, in hope of getting help for their loved one. They found their 20-year marriages destroyed. AA wants to keep things incestuous and therefore sponsors encourage breakups and divorce from anyone who has a non-addict partner, in favor of a relationship with a fellow addict who can also be controlled.

AA groups are fuckfests. You lock the doors and just breed with each other like rats. Tom rolls up on a Harley, seven feet tall and green-eyed, dripping of success, and the female addicts see a path to prosperity.

I’ve known Tom for many years. The moment he divorced and sought help from AA, a predatory addict grabbed him before he could get his coat off. She spent years leeching off of him. Living in his nice home, him paying her bills, her not working. Not all addicts are pieces of shit, but this woman was a piece of shit. I’m sure she loved Tom but what she wanted was a man to support her.

Unfortunately, she is now dead. Another life lost to ineffective AA “treatment.” She choked on her own vomit. You know this woman. You know who I’m speaking of. You have met her. Close your eyes and picture this woman’s mother opening a door and seeing her daughter dead on the floor, covered in what little vomit she didn’t aspirate.

Tom gets this from women a lot. He’s successful and well-known, and he enjoys providing for his loved ones. I am also successful and therefore a provider is not something I need or seek. I admire that he provides well for his children and that he provided for his wife and kids for over 20 years. He is accustomed to that. I am not. It is a sticking point – Tom wants to provide for me but I resist, because I would love him no less if he were a part-time janitor. Being a good provider is part of his identity and he wants a woman who needs that.

Many sponsors are unfit for this role. You are one of them.

Tom told me your opinions of our relationship. Then he told me your demands of our relationship. Then he told me of the actions you took to force our relationship to end, as you commanded. It made you nuts that someone refused to act on the orders you issued. Tom doesn’t respond well to controlling behavior and he was not happy with your need for power over him.

Let me explain something, which you should feel free to verify with Tom. I am very intelligent. Frighteningly so. Tom is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I’m smarter than Tom. I’m smarter than you.

Due to a difference in life experience, I am more perceptive and more savvy than is Tom about certain things. Tom is more perceptive than you give him credit for, though. Know that.

The result, in your case, is that I knew what you were up to. Not only did I recognize your motives and actions when you first implemented your plan, I knew what you were doing about three days before you knew it. Maybe Tom is willing to give you more detail and a timeline. I’ll just hit the highlights.

When your demands of him didn’t work, you and your 5th/6th/12th wife took him to your church for “worship and support.” This was the moment my pain started.

Because I knew.

Let me tell you about church. I grew up in a strongly religious home. I attended church 4 or 5 days a week for my entire childhood. Many of my relatives are members of the clergy. My brother is a member of the clergy. I know church.

We were taught, as teenagers, about morals and ethics and faith. About adhering to the teachings of the church. Why those teachings were important. I remained a virgin well into adulthood.

Church was a huge part of my life. I have good memories. It shaped who I am. I know many authentic, devout, good people who were active in the church. I also met many hypocrites. It’s a pet peeve.

That’s why I was repulsed to find that every Adult Singles group, in all of the many churches I attended, was constantly on the verge of becoming an orgy. Ten percent of the attendees were there for friendship and faith. Few were there seeking a marital partner. Almost all of them were unapologetically there for sex. My poor brother, while in seminary, had to flee these singles groups after trying several, because aggressive women were demanding sex of him while he was trying to be celibate in accordance with his faith.

I understood that when you and your latest wife took Tom to church, you were using a tactic that started at the dawn of human history. You were controlling him by dangling pussy in front of him.

And pussy is what he got. He went to church every Sunday and immediately after, he got the pussy. He fucked it, he licked it, he finger banged it, he gave it multiple orgasms, then he fucked it again.

You and Jesus must be so proud.

I have known for months and months what was going on. I try to be dignified. I am not a controlling, suspicious, possessive girlfriend. I regret that. I should have come to SC the moment you took him to church and stopped this shit cold. I should have stopped you.

You used that woman. You walked him up to her and said “Please meet my tall, handsome, successful friend Tom.” You did that knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Did you think he could just instantly forget me, a woman he describes as the love of his life, just because he was getting sex elsewhere?

I hope to meet you someday. I need you to see that I am a real person. I want you to know that I am successful, ambitious, sharp as a tack, educated, well-spoken – one of the few people who can speak to Tom on his level.

I want you to see how beautiful I am. How graceful I am. How I own every room I enter. How good I look on his arm. What a stunning couple we are. I am everything he wants. He is everything to me.

Tom bears responsibility for what happened with her. He admits to that. He admits his role in all of this. He and I have had that discussion.

But you, in your quest to control Tom and in your incomprehensible crusade to destroy ME, had no ethical problem involving an innocent third party. You added her to your list of victims.

I can only assume she was in love with Tom. Who wouldn’t be? You apparently loathe me, but you knew this woman; you had a personal relationship with her. You walked her into this fucked up situation. Perhaps you are so impressed with yourself that you thought it would work out the way you dreamed.

Instead, you not only caused deep pain to me and to Tom, but also to this woman you call your friend.

I hate the idea of her. I hate the mental images that make me ill every day. I hate the face I’ve put on this woman having sex with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. But I can’t hate her.

She wasn’t predatory. The predator is you. She was in the dark. Another dispensable pawn for your chess game. She’s more innocent than I am – I knew what was happening and failed to stop it. She didn’t know she needed to stop and walk away.

Tom and I were, and still are, very much in love. You can’t be blamed for the unnecessarily hurtful, horrific, cruel manner in which he finally admitted all this to me, after many arguments based on my scarily-accurate and detailed suspicions.

Your actions, your words, your bullying, your need for control and power, led directly to the many fifths of bourbon Tom has consumed in the last few days. So drunk he can barely talk, because he has lost my trust and caused me unbearable pain from which I may never heal. Because you needed to feel the power of him bending to your will.

Nice work.

Three of us have lost much. Even though we’ve all lost, I want you to know that you haven’t won. You did not win. Know this. Let it eat you from the inside out.

— She wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of retribution from these steppers.

54 comments on “Alcoholics Anonymous — Destroying Relationships One Step At A Time

  1. Wow, I am at a loss for words after reading this. I will say it is utterly disgusting what AA “relationships,” if you can call these controlling, manipulative, vindictive, hurtful, destructive, and self-serving connections, relationships, will do to even the most beautiful and loving couples. I don’t know how many times I wanted to die from the self-loathing I’ve felt after a woman hating sponsor who came highly recommended to me in AA, at a very vulnerable period in my life, destroyed all hope I had at being with the love of my life. Nothing can ever replace what I lost at the hands of this complete and total fucking asshole sponsor who couldn’t even be honest with me when he had decided to terminate our sponsor, sponsee, relations because he knew I had drank. Instead he lead me on for months, after causing me to destroy my friendship with the love of my life, and never did a god damn thing to even try to mend the pain and suffering he caused in my life. I guess he couldn’t have done anything anyway as all he knew was how to destroy my life for his own thill, for his cowardice power hungry ego as my sponsor. AA has and never will be able to refund the misery it caused me. Only I can attempt to do that myself, to try to put what pieces I can find back together, so I can carry out the rest of my life with some dignity. Fuck Alcoholics Anonymous, never forgive, never forget.

  2. Reblogged this on The last of the famous international playboys and commented:
    This is a great story showing the magnitude of destructiveness that this self-“help” group will go to.

  3. I tried to like this entry, but for some reason I was frozen out from doing this, even if it let me share and also let me post this.

  4. But Tom clearly wanted companionship though that he couldn’t get from a long distance relationship. She may very well be a wonderful loving, attractive, really smart woman but she weren’t there. Pussy is everywhere for someone like Tom. He didn’t need someone to pimp for him or someone else to heap the blame on when he acted on it. I think I would have been down there with my man, letting him do what makes him feel manly. There has to be some balance in that dance. Why was it so acceptable that Tom got to live with another woman as his mate? Any of that would make most women cringe. A very sad story.

    • Thank you for commenting!

      What you say is true but has nothing to do with the manipulation and destruction of sponsors in this dangerous cult religion. If you are blaming the author of this letter, you are missing the point. There are many reasons why people find themselves in a long distance relationships. Regardless of what is available to men like Tom, his relationship was sabotaged by his sponsor’s advise and set-up to fail and cheat. This is a sickeningly common occurrence in this cult religion, and that is what this letter is about rather than what a woman can or cannot do to keep her man happy.

      • Cougarblogger, I agree. The long distance relationship is fine until you add these people who want to be in every aspect of your life. I know. They destroyed my marriage. However, at the time, they had him convinced it was me. We had a fight ever day, one that they aided in starting. People would nonstop call my xhusband crying with emotional issues,(even other woman who would cry about their husbands to him behind their husband’s backs),. Between work and family, and this bullshit, we never had time alone. If they weren’t calling, then, they he would have to attend these meetings becasue they came before our family. One time a family member was on life support, but attending a meeting to celebrate this members 13 years clean was more important. This is God at work.-being smartass here! The constant chanting mantras over and over is like talking to robots, People may have addictions, but they can think for themselves if not under this brainwash of some sponosor telling them how to live and be, These people are not professionals. i seen it not only in my ex, but bring out the worst in other people to the point that there were times when they were using, but at least could still to no matter how small the level think for themselves.

        • Nancy – thank you so much for this. (Some WordPress glitch caused this insightful comment to disappear so I copied /pasted it here.)

          I feel very badly for you. AA and NA ruined not only my marriage, but tore apart my family. It claims to be a spiritual program, but these pricnipals like making amends are such a joke. Make amends to those you hurt,but screw over anyone in the family who stood by you through thick and thin because they see right through this bait and switch cult nonsence deal. Nothing should come over your spouse and family. A sponsor, one would assume who is not familiar with these 12 step nightmares, would think the sponsors role is to only be supporting one and encouraging one not to drink or use. if they used, they should be supportive and help them get back on track. He should not be stringing one on and criticising. Plus, anyones relationship is none of anyone else’s business. It is total power and control. Where is the amends for screwing up your life? It is a cult. All the characteristics are there. Extra marital affairs like you wouldn’t believe too, but that’s ok, the addict changed is the excus Tell me, where in the Bible does it suggest divorce, especially when one person doesn’t practice this cult recovery?The recovery people are your new family who understand you like no one else does they claim,especially if the others arent addicts. Well, if i get cancer, then i better not trust an oncologist who is a professional and deals with it on a daily basis, but seek a nonprofessional who has that cancer like me. Maybe we can do this step work and make it go away. With the power and control comes the abuse. Hi, my name is so and so, I’m an addict. Please tell me that is not degrading? No, one’s name is so and so. The addiction doesn’t define the person. People quit addictions because they choose to, not because they work some program. Just like smoking or anything else, This step crap is just to mess and keep people down who already have gotten involved with these substances that hurt their minds. Plus, the success rate is horrible, and thus; back to rehab, and more money for the AMA.

  5. There must be more to the story as it would seem that Tom didn’t need to have a sponsor to find women for him. I would imagine there were more women for him than just the ones he met at AA or church events she can hang on his sponsor. For whatever reasons they might have been apart, it would appear that Tom was making different choices that didn’t include fidelity and HE is responsible for those. People can be faithful in long distance relationships. Thank you for agreeing with the majority of what I posted.

    • As far as I know, he had a job that put him out of town. She did not want to uproot her children. They had not decided to date other people and for that, yes Tom is responsible. However, the sponsor made a tough situation worse by insisting Tom needs this kind of relationship in order to stay sober. I can guarantee you that this sponsor pimped Tom out. In fact I know he did. These 12 step cult sponsors are manipulative monsters and that is what this story is really all about. Do NOT follow a 12 step cult sponsor’s advise, no matter what they claim you need to stay sober. This cult religion is a dangerous place to be. Bottom line.

  6. I am certainly sorry for the pain this woman is going through. I hope she can salvage her relationship with Tom if that is on offer and something she wants. I just see a great deal of everyone else is being scapegoated. This woman knew Tom for many years. It sounds almost as if she knew him prior to his desire to get sober or even divorced. He ends up in AA with a sponsor with questionable tactics. Then the woman is described as being “shit.” Tom sounds like a visual dreamboat who has to beat off women with a club yet choices not to. Her descriptions of his behavior sounds as if he had another addiction. He also sounds like a man who repeatedly lied to a woman who now feels hugely played. Her anger is understandable. It would also be interesting to hear the sponsor’s side of it. The writer agrees that they’ve never met and I imagine most of her information comes from someone with a desire to shove responsibility onto someone else could be a factor. I dont know sponsors would would tell a man he has to have this kind of relationship to be sober…or any relationship at all, for that matter.

    If I heard any of this without any involvement with AA at all, I would still say the same thing. I know men who had friends who were capable of promoting the same thing. The man has two choices. Get rid of this kind of “friend” or get rid of the woman because she would end up leaving eventually. She deserves better.

    Thank you.

    • If you are making excuses for this dangerous cult religion, you are far off base. These sponsors DO destroy relationships and if you ever spent any time ‘in the roomz’, you would know that (whether you know sponsors who engage in this behavior or not).

      It’s implicit in the dogma. As if no one can understand you but another selfish ‘alcoholic.’ They actively tell members that they must focus on their ‘sobriety’ over anything or anyone else. In fact, they go as far as painting the vulnerable newcomer’s family as dangerous if they are ‘still drinking.’ Marriages crumble. Siblings never speak again and young women end up in the arms of predatory monsters.

      Please refrain from defending that which is indefensible on my blog. Whenever a person says, ‘I’ve never seen that, I say, “your limited experiences do not a study make.’ Stating that you’ve never ‘known anyone who …’ Is faulty logic at best.

      • I have children who had witnessed all this bullshit at a young age, and saw their family split up because of this cult. They hate these people. They rememember more about it, and even have picked up stuff that I didn’t at the time that was happening. This is not God. This is evil!

        • Thanks you so much for your comments Nancy. It truly does help those struggling on this cult whether they speak up here or not. It’s so difficult for people to deprogram from all this harmful BillShit that they suffer their entire lives far more than they ever did with their substance of choice.

          You’re absolutely correct and speaking about it may make stepper disciples sanely angry but that only proves how deeply brainwashed they are! Keep coming back!

        • I have seen blood families torn apart because of 12 Step. I lost the woman I thought loved me after she lied, cheated, betrayed, and then abandoned me with the total control of her “sponsor.” These are among the most dangerous and destructive people on Earth. My heart and life have been ruined, I may never fully recover from the damage. But after “God removes their defects of character and their shortcomings” they believe they can get away with anything. I’ll never be the same.

          • It’s just so horrible especially since you cannot even turn on the tv or view a film without seeing this dangerous cult portrayed as some safe, volunteer, self help group. The truth is here at least.

            Just know that you are in good company here… certainly better company than this woman who broke your heart this way. You so deserve far better than this shit

            • Thank you. I posted here several months ago about my situation, and it’s amazing how deep it’s cut me that all this time later it still affects me on such a level. The abandonment is the worst part. Their complete narcissism is beyond anything that can be explained in our normal world.

              • It’s normal to question your ability to trust anyone after such blatant betrayal. That’s what abusive gas lighters do. She was never honest with you but that is who she is whether it be with you, before you, and now after you. The “rooms” are full of these toxic people. Run far away and be free from this woman. She was sick before she ever met you. It’s not your fault.

  7. I befriended someone who lost his ex-girlfriend to the program. He became interested in what was happening in AA and felt it was disturbing they’d suggest to his ex that she should cut off ties to former friends who still drink. They controlled and isolated her and she is now in a relationship with a man about 10 years or more older than her. But this is great to those in AA, it’s the AA dream. And it’s sick. People are no longer making their own choices, it’s whatever the gurus in AA tell them to do. And if they aren’t willing to take the suggestions (wait, they’re suggestions not rules?)… they are heading to a drink. Obedience out of fear. I met my daughter’s father in AA, and it was great for a couple of years but AA was destroying my mind and then it destroyed our relationship. I wasn’t getting better, I was constantly getting worse, and then I got a couple of DUIs. So my ever forgiving super AA boyfriend couldn’t live with me anymore. It’s ok now, because we weren’t seeing eye to eye about AA and he is clearly brainwashed by them. Did I mention he was 17 years older than me, also? Thanks for sharing this because it’s a familiar story and AA is a very sick cult. We need to open up the eyes of those who are brainwashed and think they’re good people even while all of this happens before their very eyes!! They need an intervention, stat!

  8. […] Alcoholics Anonymous — Destroying Relationships One Step At A Time […]

  9. I appreciate this, my relationship is in the middle of it’s implosion at the moment like watching a slow motion car crash after six and a half years. I’ve been referred to as a ‘them’ compared to an ‘us’ that has shattered the ‘we’ in our relationship. Whilst some of the members and his sponsor seem nice rather welcoming genial people I noticed the looks or the comments and before anyone pens that down to paranoia at the started this year when he didn’t hang up the phone properly after I called to offer a lift from work for him. I know people moan about their other halves but this was rip her soul out and dish it out on a platter to people we both know very well I think my emotions were quite frankly butchered when I heard the poison. I tried to recover from it maybe thinking I was far too sensitive but I can’t. Since he has been at AA he was so distant he didn’t even want to touch me and there was so much space between us I could literally feel a cold draft under the sheets (Not kidding either there really was an actual draft). I became so fed up of being constantly rejected I decided to move out maybe a little distance might help. Even tonight as we are still in implosion me trying stupidly to salvage what I can from this destructive shitstorm he was ogling other women a sane bloke if he wanted to save his relationship would not be like this. AA makes it worsebecause he comes out with quotes or out of character comments. Even telling me he’s been out for coffee with some of the girls from AA I know they are sucking him in from certain things he said and he just sits and sulks rather than try to salvage our relationship because first and foremost he has to speak to his ‘precious’ sponsor. Iove him but I think this implosion means I have lost him into their fold and when I do I would not be surprised if one of the predatory women there get hold of him because quite frankly it happens all the time and the old adage ‘A shoulder to cry on becomes a cock to ride on.’ I fear is very likely.

    • Unfortunately as a “normie” you will always be treated by these AA Gurus as the enemy. They really should only date within their cult, otherwise they risk hurting perfectly lovely people such as yourself.

      Six 1/2 years is a long time to devote yourself to someone who puts you far behind his “program.” Take care of you now. Your story is achingly common.

      Thank you for commenting!

  10. WOW!!!! This is exactly what I’m going though. Our 28 year marriage is ending because I feel I can’t make her happy anymore. Her happiest times are at AA meetings or with her AA friends as she explains. She has two sponsies (sp?) and a sponsor and attends 3 meetings a week and then AlAnon. There isn’t any time left for me or our son. I love this women but I can’t compete with the AA cult. I truly think it is a cult. We have tried a therapist but she explained that her recovery work (of two years) is the most important part of her life and she must continue to make that a priority. Divorce court here we come…..so very sad

    • I am so terribly sorry John. This is a far too common story. You are certainly not alone but in good company.

      This indoctrination makes it so that your wife is left with no choice but to abandon her family for her cult. It certainly is a cult and is in fact the most brilliant cult of all time. You can check in but you can never check out and with the “anonymity” its damn near impossible to disband this cult. The founders knew exactly what they were doing from the get-go. They designed the cult so that there will never be a “lay-down-and-drink-the-koolaid” death because their way is to poison members slowly over their lifetime. Diabolical and brilliant.

      Lawyers have told me that in their (AAWS-Alcoholics Anonymous World Services), by-laws, they made it so that they could never be held responsible since they actively claim no organization, making each group autonomous and self supporting. Therefore, they can never be held responsible for duty of care and can never be sued. The best that’s happened is people have successfully sued their state by proving they were illegally mandated to the cult but the cult itself is untouchable. The biggest issue with this is the cult will never be disbanded. What we work toward is stopping the illegal mandating from the us court system. Unfortunately, the cult has hijacked the system based on all the mythological blaming the “alcoholic/addict” with the “disease” theory. It’s an uphill battle both ways barefoot in the snow!

      I am so sorry your marriage is imploding. You are labeled a “normie” who cannot possible know how to help her while she is labeled an “alcoholic” who’s “best thinking” is her perpetual enemy. Her only hope is her “daily reprieve” from her “character defects” and her “personality shortcomings” and her lack of a “higher power.” It’s a mind-fuck manipulation of thought-stopping disempowering lies.

      Just know that you are not to blame and like a kid throwing a tantrum in public, the best course of action for you is to keep your dignity in tact no matter what she does, says, doesn’t say, or doesn’t do. Her mind has been kidnapped by a diabolical cult religion. Anyone is their right mind can see that it’s a cult but just like any good cult, the devoted disciples cannot hear any truth. The truth is a threat to their very existence.

      As difficult as this is, it’s your time to move on and start again. And if you ever did want to start a cult, you know which one to emulate. 😂

      By the way, you may be highly interested in the book in the thread below. He successfully sued after being illegally mandated and then wrote a seriously brilliant book about it.

      https://12stepcultreligionexposed.wordpress.com/2013/08/04/aa-how-aa-steals-your-soul-by-robert-warner-a-book-review/

  11. I feel like I will never ever be happy again. After years of staying at home whilst partner went to AA, I accidentally found out that he was texting a woman at AA saying he had missed seeing her face at the meeting. I felt sick. They had been texting each other regularly and obviously enjoyed each other’s company. I confronted him, and yes it was a confrontation, he said he wanted to punch me in the face. All in all he admitted he didn’t care how I felt. I am broken. He still goes to AA while I stay home. He said he stopped texting her but I am feeling that his AA friends hold sway over his feelings. I never dreamt in a million years he would do this to me. I feel like he’s cheated on me. I am sad

    • I am so sorry to hear of this Jean… but not a bit surprised. Texting another person socially is not a crime but yes, in this case since he is texting her in secret, he is cheating emotionally.

      If he doesn’t care about how you feel and is brainwashed into believing only his cult friends understand him, there is little you can do but take care of yourself. You simply must take care of yourself in fact. It may not seem like it today but he has given you the freedom to seek some counseling for yourself. We cannot change other people but we can change ourselves.

      Find someone you like and can process your feelings with before you sink further down in this unhappiness. You have a right to have your feelings and to express them as you need. Do not let anyone disempower you.

      As far as the 12 step cult goes, if he recommends you attend alanon, decline that gaslighting technique and stand your ground. That last thing you need is another 12 step program with all its dysfunctional people in your life.

      Keep your power no matter what and know that you are right to feel betrayed. You deserve far better than all this.

      Thanks so much for writing in.

    • Jean,
      Stay strong and take care of yourself. My wife has been in the cult for two years and it has consumed her life and ruined our marriage. She keeps her phone within reach at all times because I saw a text pop up from one of her AA friends saying she needs to get that bad person (me) out of her life. She attends around 7 AA events a week and won’t listen to anything I say because I’m not enlightened with a 12 step program. She is constantly texting her group. Things don’t look good for us moving forward but I promise you won’t catch me in alanon. I’m sick of hearing about steps. I just want to live peacefully and fully on my own terms. Good luck to you and know you are not the only one suffering because of that cult.
      John

      • This is excellent advise. Thanks so much John.

      • Hello… Not sure if I’m responding to the correct one, but same thing is happening as we speak with my wife. She is in NA. Her sponsor has 12 years clean, but has sabotaged our marriage. She told my wife, “I didn’t wait a year before getting into a relationship”. Then she and another 10+ year NA member condoned my wife’s affair saying it was okay because of the circumstances. The circumstance was that my wife was dying from opiate addiction and she found a since of common identity with these people. The 3+ year clean man driving a expensive Porsche took her like candy. Fed off of her need for attention and understanding. So many in her meeting know me personally and yet wouldn’t say a word to me. Now my wife wants a divorce and she’s gone from a Jesus loving very spiritual woman to believing in this new culture and a universal “god” of the universe where everything goes as long as you’re trying to stay clean. I can here them saying now “it’s okay pretty baby” let me give you some more experience strength and hope. I’m so broken… before my wife went to NA she was a prescription opiate addict, but never immoral. She was always trustworthy. She would have never cheated on me. They brain washed her under a disguise of kindness. Can she get out of this and find her way back? I pray every day God moves and shows her truth. I know he can. THank you for letting me write here.

        • I am so sorry you have had this horrible experience. Unfortunately, your story is more than common.

          It’s hope you find the peace you deserve. Unfortunately, if she wants a divorce, there is little you can do. One suggestion of course is to see a licensed marriage therapist.

          These stepper people cannot be trusted, they are the opposite of kind, and it’s truly diabolical.

  12. Thank you, that’s just what I needed to hear

  13. As I read this letter I became increasingly nauseous because I lived through every word. My FORMER husband (soulmate) was taken away from me and our three young sons by AA and has left a hole in my heart that refuses to heal….and it has been 10 years. In a nutshell, when my ex “Will” and I met it was truly love at first sight . Seriously…it was like a slo-mo scene from a sappy movie where angels sang, violins played and everyone else in the room disappeared We married 6 months later and had three children in three years. It was busy but very very fun! Then on May 5th, 20xx, our lives were changed changed forever when he got a DUI — along with about 25 others — at a road block set up for Cinco de Mayo and his punishment was a fine and court ordered AA meetings which I totally understood. Will did something reckless and had to pay…but he paid dearly in the end. He got a creepy chain smoking sponsor…an ex-con with allegations of sexually abusing hs daughter (but as long as he was sober it was ok, right?) It was drilled into him that 1. sobriety mattered above anything 2. daily meetings were essential 3. anyone who drank around him was an alcoholic 4. meetings were more important then attending our children’s activities, sporting events or helping with homework 5. I was impeding his recovery by not attending al-anon and insisting he be a part of our family activities 6. and finally, he needed a partner from within the program who understood him. Will became so righteously judgmental that our friends literally ran from him when they didn’t want to be harangued about the evils of alcohol. So one day I decided to go to and surprise him at a meeting and when I walked in he was snuggled in a chair with some trashy young girl…in front of a group of 30-40 people who knew me and our children! (But hey, its ok as long as he was sober! ) After dealing with this and many other things we divorced and he began moving AA tramps in and out of his house…while we shared custody of our boys.. After a couple years, we were allowed by a judge to move to a different state because even the judge was disgusted by Will’s actions. Our boys are now in their late teens and have watched their father go from a successful businessman with a wife and kids to a guy who has a shady group of friends and has gone through approximately 15 different “girlfriends” from the program since our divorce. So did the AA Cult help him? He lost his friends, wife and children…but hey…he’s sober!

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! This is a disgusting and all-too-common story. I am so sorry and although this might not help, you know that this is how the 12 step cult religion works. They have to brainwash people into their sick way of life in order to keep the “rooms” full. Otherwise, their beloved cult would disappear off the face of the earth and they know it. Just like th Oxford Group, from which the cult founders plagiarized the steps, with the “spiritual not religious,” the “powerless’, and the “daily reprieve” And all the other thought-stopping chants, this cult would vaporize.

      You should know that it is ILLEGAL to mandate people to this cult and even those who may meet criteria for SUD (substance use disorder) have rights in the court system. So while you were understanding of his sentence, he should never been coerced to go. That’s another way these despicable cult disciples keep their cult full… by force through the US court system. People do not know their rights and brainwashed judges, lawyers, and parole officers are not forthcoming with these rights.

      It sounds like you know you are better off without him but you have every right to your feelings for him and for this diabolical and dangerous cult. You are not the problem. He is choosing a cult religion over his family.

      I certainly hope you and your children find a better man than one who would choose to use the “disease” theory (and it is just that… a theory invented by the 12 step cult religion), as an excuse to abandon his responsibilities.

      Thanks again for telling your story here. You help others to know they are not alone in this abandonment.

  14. Feeling isolated by my “girlfriend” with her and her sponsor spending so much time together. Today it creeped me out when she says she falls asleep with her sponsor
    on skype and constantly calls her or “check-in with her via texting”. Leaving no time
    for me it was so much better when she didn’t call her sponsor at all. Than she started
    AA up again and I’m second fiddle to AA and her sponsor. No relapse or anything we
    hangout all the time and back to AA.
    Too me this isn’t normal behavior.

    • It’s certainly NOT normal behavior and you can bet the sponsor warns her about dating you since you’re not ” one of us.” It’s not personal to you so there’s no need to take it personally. It sounds like she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and is using her “disease” as an excuse to get out. At least you know you can trust your instincts!

      Carry on with your life. You deserve a partner with personal power who can function on her own. You deserve someone who can trust themselves to make decisions without the so-called wisdom of a cult sponsor. You deserve someone who would rather fall asleep with you and not some cult disciple on a power trip. You deserve someone who doesn’t rely on her fake disease to inform her every decision. So

      unds like the perfect opportunity for you to take your power back from her and find someone with some emotional maturity who hasn’t been brainwashed by the 12 step cult religion. If nothing else, you deserve someone who can trust themselves around a beverage. Get out and enjoy your life. She’s playing you and has no intention of ever putting you first and you DESERVE someone who puts you first just like you do for her.

      Happy trails!

    • So sorry to hear that story man but I lived it. Our 29 year marriage collapsed as a result. I hope she can think independently but some just can’t balance the truth with the recovery stuff. It consumes their life and they will neglect marriage ,children and even their oldest friends

      • Yes John but they CAN balance their lives. In the 12 step cult religion they are systematically brainwashed to live in EXTREME FEAR if they even THINK about putting any part of their lives ahead of the cult. They’re not ALLOWED to have balance. Then, it all becomes a self-fulfilling, fear-based circle of service “commitments” to the cult. Then they die, either by rope in the garage or just naturally having wasted their lives in meetings of nothing but disempowerment.

        If he cannot even speak to his girlfriend openly about his concerns, he should move on with his life.

      • And thanks so much for commenting John. I do hope you are finding happiness these days more often than sadness. I also hope that therapist you went to see has had their license revoked. If you spoke with her and gave her a piece of your mind (with righteous confidence), you might feel a lot better. For the therapist to dismiss your loneliness and to reinforce the cult mandates, she deserves a shake down.

  15. I am living the nightmare this minute. My husband’s sponsor has broken up at least one other marriage exactly as he is breaking up ours. Exactly the same way, which includes telling my husband to come stay with the Sponsor and his wife.

    • I am so sorry to hear this. That brainwashing is powerful. Hang in there Lia.

      • I’m just dying here day by day. Yes, his alcoholism and opioid addiction brought their own share of rotten life choices, but we have been dealing with those, slowly but surely. Then his sponsor kicked it into high gear because I won’t attend AlAnon, and while I was out of town, the sponsor showed up at our house to move him out. No discussion with me at all. So here I am with our two little boys who have no idea what in hell has happened, and Daddy suddenly can hardly find time to do more than call them briefly at night. A local called the sponsor an SOB and said he has done to to at least one other marriage that they know of, The sponsor has never been married and has no children, so he doesn’t even know what it is to have skin in the game, and cares not if two little kids and a wife are left to suffer in order to feed his sponsoring ego. In my husband’s worst drug/alcohol days, at least he still lived us enough to keep going. There are no words to express my horror, and aside from actively praying that the sponsor drops dead, I have no idea what to do.

        • Please do not let all this kill you. Your intelligent decision not to attend Alanon is being used as a punishment against you and your children. What should you do? Stick to your power, ask for help from family not involved with this mess and continue to take care of yourself and your children. It’s no excuse that the sponsor does not have children. It doesn’t take a genius to know when you’re destroying a family. He knows exactly what he’s doing and your story is all too common.

          This is not about love. It’s about abuse. He’s being systematically indoctrinated into a dangerous cult religion and there is little you can do to help him. There is a lot you can do to help yourself and your children and that begins with you asking and receiving the help you need.

          I am so sorry you are having this experience. You clearly deserve far better than this man and his adopted cult religion.

          Keep on standing firm in your power and know that you are stronger than they know.

    • My nightmare is also happening in real time. I never thought that pain could reach the level inside of me that it has. I’ve never felt this helpless. The once warm and gentle woman who loved me is now a cold and harsh shell of the loveliness I once knew. I am empty inside.

  16. I have been frozen out from the love of my life by the destruction of AA. Of course she needs to stay sober, but at what cost? I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know how to stop crying. I have no clue how to even beging picking up the pieces. Manipulative control mongers who don’t even know me have destroyed my heart and my life. And the girl in question, the beautiful love of my life has gone about removing me from her life in the coldest, harshest way possible. I’ll never understand. I’ll never be the same. I see no way of ever healing from this pain, and how despicable, controlling people can destroy the lives of good and decent people without looking back or showing the slightest bit of remorse for the damage they cause. I am a wreck. All I want to do is sleep now. I wish I was dead, it’ll be the only thing to stop this pain.

    • There are many actions that will stop the pain. For one, finding people who have had your heartbreaking experiences is a good start. You’ve reached out here and started to express your feelings and that shows hope. These people are brainwashed to believe anyone not in their “program” is dangerous. It’s not personal to you. She would have to make this choice with any one in order to stay “sober.” They would rather you destroy yourself than admit they are in a dangerous cult religion. Your feelings matter and what you choose to do with them is of paramount importance here.

      Just remember that you are in good company and since you know these 12 step cult disciples do not know you, you cannot possibly take it personally. As for your girlfriend, she is making choices based on manipulation and fear-mongering. That’s how this cult stays alive… at the enormous cost of relationships outside the cult.

      There are thousands of examples of people who have had the exact same experiences, survived it and moved on to a far better life with stability and compassion with another partner. Look forward to that because it’s very unlikely she will leave the cult after these indoctrination-based choices she’s made so far.

      It is NOT OKAY for you to throw your life away because of this. You deserve better and you will find better. Get some professional help and do not harm yourself. That will help no one. Honor your pain, ask and receive help, and work through it. You can and will do it.

      What do you think of all that?

      • Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I actually met her “main” sponsor last month who made it very awkward for me, even after knowing we were even engaged. I have personal 12 Step experience myself. Some years ago I started going to NA meetings just to meet people were weren’t doing drugs. I didn’t know anything about the program but it didn’t take me long to understand that it wasn’t anything I wanted to be involved with.

        My girl even told me that I was and I quote “a detriment to her sobriety.” That’s quite a trick since I don’t drink and never have. I did my share of cocaine many years ago but I’ve been clean for a long time, I don’t even smoke reefer any more. But again, it’s the coldness of how she’s shut me down and how fast it’s happened. I found your blog today by Googling “12 Step destroys relationships” and thankfully you’re here. I can assure you that I have no intentions of hurting myself. I think by just saying what I did I was reaching out.

        She had tried AA about three years ago and stayed sober for about 8 months but it didn’t hold. Right now she’s back with them about two months with a relapse already about three weeks ago. She told me last week “I’m going to do everything they tell me to do” and that is obviously being as harsh as she can be in telling me she needs to be alone now to “work on herself” for at least six months. It’s like she’s angry at ME just for loving her and being desperate to remain in her life. It’s like she feels nothing fir me any longer. Again, thank you for being here. Identification with like-injured people means everything.

        • That’s exactly what she’s telling you…that she wants to adhere to the cult and if that means having nothing to do with anyone outside the cult, so be it. It’s certainly not due to anything you have done or who you are. If she’s this ungrateful for your attention she does NOT deserve you.

          You deserve FAR better than that! If anyone can have justifiable anger, it’s YOU. (By the way, anger is a perfectly normal feeling when a person abuses you. Fuck her.) there is absolutely no reason to put your life on hold for a day, let alone six months! Six months will turn into a year… and year after year, you will get more and more depressed. The loss is real but it’s clearly more of a loss to her than to you.

          People use substances and always will… sugar, caffeine, cannabis, alcohol, etc. it’s all perfectly human and there is no badge or prize for “addicts.” There is no “disease of addiction.” It’s all a ruse to keep this diabolical cult alive at the expense of perfectly good relationships and lives. Just as you made the choice to run from this cult, she could too but she’s making another choice. Simple. Stupid.

          So happy to hear you have no intention of harming yourself. You will survive this and you will find a life without this BillShit. It may not feel like it right now but she’s done you an enormous favor without you having to legally marry or divorce her! Go with god! 😉

          • She even had the audacity to tell me that she owes me an amends for telling me that I was a detriment, but she wants to make it “a proper amends when the time comes, if I’ll allow it.” And you’re right, anger is not only natural but MY proper response! This has all just happened in the last couple of weeks so my days are now one huge emotional roller coaster, but thankfully I have a lot of good friends and family that know I’m a good man, and that will get me through. But right now, the pain cuts SO deep. But at least I’m able to recognize the cause of it. And where there’s a cause, there’s a solution!

            • Exactly. Those who know and honor you are in the roller coaster right beside you making sure you’re strapped in and maybe even enjoy the scary parts.

              She owes you far more than some fake “amends” that you’re supposed to look forward to… So, she supposedly owes you an apology but not now?!?! What kind of gaslighting garbage is that??!! Let’s see… who can help do their breath the longest? 😂

              • Gaslighting is something she’s very good at anyway. The emotional turmoil with her goes back before the AA bullshit, so it’s just par for her course. She actually did “apologize” for what she said but it was in a text and very half assed. She shies away from direct confrontation. And texting is a perfect gaslighting tool.

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