Hello Enlightened Ones!
It was requested of me to share this letter on my blog. This woman wants more than anything for people to know that this cult religion commonly known as AA (the 12 steps), is a controlling and manipulative place. Unfortunately, this story is sickeningly commonplace. Sponsors in this cult religion sabotage relationships with anyone who is not One of Us. Here is just one sad example of this manipulation.
An Open Letter to My True Love’s Sponsor
I am angry. I have been furious for many, many months. I will try my best to maintain some professionalism. I want to communicate with you effectively. I want you to hear this. I want you to hear every word.
I am not a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous. You likely know that many people aren’t.
Unfortunately for those who need support, the organization has evolved into something evil. The philosophy is flawed, but the execution is out of control.
I am not an addict. I did many, many drugs of all types. I was lucky that I’m the type who can keep it under control, moderate, and stop when it starts to go too far. One of my siblings is an addict. Many of my friends are addicts and I have seen the tragedy first-hand.
The friends who sought help from AA were the worst tragedies. The success statistics of AA are appalling. AA is not about leading addicts to a healthy lifestyle. It’s about isolating and controlling members, making them dependent, and keeping the numbers high. Not too hard to make an addict dependent, is it? The more they fall off the wagon, the more they keep coming back.
I was harshly abused throughout childhood. As a result, I have the control issues that are so common among abuse survivors. Many AA members come from similar backgrounds. Serious problems arise when those with control issues become sponsors – trusted authority figures with deep emotional problems and a desperate need to control.
There is no leadership, no chain of command, to step in to regulate this flawed organizational structure.
There are stories everywhere about sober spouses who encouraged their addict partners to seek out AA, out of love, in hope of getting help for their loved one. They found their 20-year marriages destroyed. AA wants to keep things incestuous and therefore sponsors encourage breakups and divorce from anyone who has a non-addict partner, in favor of a relationship with a fellow addict who can also be controlled.
AA groups are fuckfests. You lock the doors and just breed with each other like rats. Tom rolls up on a Harley, seven feet tall and green-eyed, dripping of success, and the female addicts see a path to prosperity.
I’ve known Tom for many years. The moment he divorced and sought help from AA, a predatory addict grabbed him before he could get his coat off. She spent years leeching off of him. Living in his nice home, him paying her bills, her not working. Not all addicts are pieces of shit, but this woman was a piece of shit. I’m sure she loved Tom but what she wanted was a man to support her.
Unfortunately, she is now dead. Another life lost to ineffective AA “treatment.” She choked on her own vomit. You know this woman. You know who I’m speaking of. You have met her. Close your eyes and picture this woman’s mother opening a door and seeing her daughter dead on the floor, covered in what little vomit she didn’t aspirate.
Tom gets this from women a lot. He’s successful and well-known, and he enjoys providing for his loved ones. I am also successful and therefore a provider is not something I need or seek. I admire that he provides well for his children and that he provided for his wife and kids for over 20 years. He is accustomed to that. I am not. It is a sticking point – Tom wants to provide for me but I resist, because I would love him no less if he were a part-time janitor. Being a good provider is part of his identity and he wants a woman who needs that.
Many sponsors are unfit for this role. You are one of them.
Tom told me your opinions of our relationship. Then he told me your demands of our relationship. Then he told me of the actions you took to force our relationship to end, as you commanded. It made you nuts that someone refused to act on the orders you issued. Tom doesn’t respond well to controlling behavior and he was not happy with your need for power over him.
Let me explain something, which you should feel free to verify with Tom. I am very intelligent. Frighteningly so. Tom is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I’m smarter than Tom. I’m smarter than you.
Due to a difference in life experience, I am more perceptive and more savvy than is Tom about certain things. Tom is more perceptive than you give him credit for, though. Know that.
The result, in your case, is that I knew what you were up to. Not only did I recognize your motives and actions when you first implemented your plan, I knew what you were doing about three days before you knew it. Maybe Tom is willing to give you more detail and a timeline. I’ll just hit the highlights.
When your demands of him didn’t work, you and your 5th/6th/12th wife took him to your church for “worship and support.” This was the moment my pain started.
Because I knew.
Let me tell you about church. I grew up in a strongly religious home. I attended church 4 or 5 days a week for my entire childhood. Many of my relatives are members of the clergy. My brother is a member of the clergy. I know church.
We were taught, as teenagers, about morals and ethics and faith. About adhering to the teachings of the church. Why those teachings were important. I remained a virgin well into adulthood.
Church was a huge part of my life. I have good memories. It shaped who I am. I know many authentic, devout, good people who were active in the church. I also met many hypocrites. It’s a pet peeve.
That’s why I was repulsed to find that every Adult Singles group, in all of the many churches I attended, was constantly on the verge of becoming an orgy. Ten percent of the attendees were there for friendship and faith. Few were there seeking a marital partner. Almost all of them were unapologetically there for sex. My poor brother, while in seminary, had to flee these singles groups after trying several, because aggressive women were demanding sex of him while he was trying to be celibate in accordance with his faith.
I understood that when you and your latest wife took Tom to church, you were using a tactic that started at the dawn of human history. You were controlling him by dangling pussy in front of him.
And pussy is what he got. He went to church every Sunday and immediately after, he got the pussy. He fucked it, he licked it, he finger banged it, he gave it multiple orgasms, then he fucked it again.
You and Jesus must be so proud.
I have known for months and months what was going on. I try to be dignified. I am not a controlling, suspicious, possessive girlfriend. I regret that. I should have come to SC the moment you took him to church and stopped this shit cold. I should have stopped you.
You used that woman. You walked him up to her and said “Please meet my tall, handsome, successful friend Tom.” You did that knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Did you think he could just instantly forget me, a woman he describes as the love of his life, just because he was getting sex elsewhere?
I hope to meet you someday. I need you to see that I am a real person. I want you to know that I am successful, ambitious, sharp as a tack, educated, well-spoken – one of the few people who can speak to Tom on his level.
I want you to see how beautiful I am. How graceful I am. How I own every room I enter. How good I look on his arm. What a stunning couple we are. I am everything he wants. He is everything to me.
Tom bears responsibility for what happened with her. He admits to that. He admits his role in all of this. He and I have had that discussion.
But you, in your quest to control Tom and in your incomprehensible crusade to destroy ME, had no ethical problem involving an innocent third party. You added her to your list of victims.
I can only assume she was in love with Tom. Who wouldn’t be? You apparently loathe me, but you knew this woman; you had a personal relationship with her. You walked her into this fucked up situation. Perhaps you are so impressed with yourself that you thought it would work out the way you dreamed.
Instead, you not only caused deep pain to me and to Tom, but also to this woman you call your friend.
I hate the idea of her. I hate the mental images that make me ill every day. I hate the face I’ve put on this woman having sex with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. But I can’t hate her.
She wasn’t predatory. The predator is you. She was in the dark. Another dispensable pawn for your chess game. She’s more innocent than I am – I knew what was happening and failed to stop it. She didn’t know she needed to stop and walk away.
Tom and I were, and still are, very much in love. You can’t be blamed for the unnecessarily hurtful, horrific, cruel manner in which he finally admitted all this to me, after many arguments based on my scarily-accurate and detailed suspicions.
Your actions, your words, your bullying, your need for control and power, led directly to the many fifths of bourbon Tom has consumed in the last few days. So drunk he can barely talk, because he has lost my trust and caused me unbearable pain from which I may never heal. Because you needed to feel the power of him bending to your will.
Three of us have lost much. Even though we’ve all lost, I want you to know that you haven’t won. You did not win. Know this. Let it eat you from the inside out.
— She wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of retribution from these steppers.