The Truth About Al-Anon

Stepper: “Well AA might be bad, but Al Anon is not AA.”
Enlightened One: “No, you’re right, Al Anon is even worse.”

Al Anon is a place for the family member (or anyone who ‘qualifies’) to go and find their ‘part’ in the other persons behavior. Excuse the fuck out of me? He was an asshole drunk and now somehow I bear responsibility for this!? My life is unmanageable because of his behavior and I must pray for knowledge of gods will for me?

Al Anon is a place to go to find bogus reasons to stay with an abusive shit head who is feigning powerlessness and claiming to have a disease.

Al Anon is a place to go to turn your will over to god, rather than tell the abusive shithead in your life to pack his shit.

Al Anon is a place to go to help yourself understand why this shithead did all the things he did, so that you can have peace and quiet as he trots off to 3 skull-fuck meetings a day, while you do all the work to support him…as he 13steps all the women in his ‘home group.’

Al Anon is a place to go to help you have peace of mind while he is throwing shit all over the house in a drunken rage because he can’t find his keys…which are in his hand. Oh, and his DUI is somehow something you could have prevented. Shut the front door!

Al Anon is a place where you too can work the 12 steps so that you too can give your hard earned money to AA and you too can leave your brain at the door. The cult that never gives up taking.

Al Anon is a place where you can be restored to sanity…when you are completely fucking sane, or you were before you started buying all this shit.

Al Anon is a place you can go where you can confess all your contrived wrongdoings to a stranger who is going to tell everyone exactly how fucked up your life is…to make themselves feel better about their fucked up life. (Nice anonymity).

Al Anon is a place you can go to not have to view your ‘qualifiers’ constant attempts to sleep with other women.  Can’t cock block the cock sucker.

And finally, Al Anon is a place where you too can mind-fuck some vulnerable person into staying in a relationship in which they should be protecting themselves from.

Phew, that was fun and cathartic. I would no more set foot in an Al Anon meeting than I would stay one second in an abusive relationship.

Thank you for letting me share.

11 comments on “The Truth About Al-Anon

  1. WOW ! Awesome work Laura!

  2. I went to alanon for my own recovery,It really helped for awhile,,(sincerely)Something changed though,suddenly I was a magnet for addict women there in denial about there being addicts and were convinced they were not the problem.Many of these woman were looked up to,in the alanon political ring,,yes its there,,even though they try to lie about that just like an addict lies about there drugs.These woman are addicted to power,in a place where its the only place they’ll get their fix amongst unsuspecting victims seeking real help for real life problems.They hide their drugs,there greed for power,,there need to suck everything out of people until there’s nothing left to suck except a new guys dick,

    • Unfortunately this is a very common story. At first you feel helped and then they turn on you. Problem is, this is by design. It’s built into the system. You either become as abuser or you suffer abuse. It’s truly a sick and dangerous cult religion.

      Thanks so much for your comments.

  3. I started in the late 80’s early 90’s and met some very helpful people at a very small town meeting(Al-Anon). AA functions were announced at this meeting, and I went to an AA dance. I ended up being the target of a guy who claimed to be 10 years sober. He started talking marriage the first night we met. I was young, and TBH the rhetoric of “not judging others” and being “powerless” made me more vulnerable. Every time I thought the relationship was wrong for me, I told myself I was “judging” him. He ended up being an abuser who I basically had to “escape” from. He had mental illness that I was never told about and I was afraid he would kill me. After that debacle, I continued with Al-anon, because there were one or two nice people there. Once I moved to a larger city, I went to one meeting where a bunch of men announced that there had been a “group conscience” and that a woman at the meeting was no longer welcome there. She had just shared her story, and she seemed normal to me. They told her she talked about her father too much. She left in tears. To this day I wish I had left with her/stood up to them. After that, I had serious doubts. I went to another meeting and after everyone had shared very personal stories, including one woman who said her kid stole her checkbook. I was rudely interrupted and chastised for sharing a “too personal” story. The chair woman screamed at me to get a sponser as my story was too personal. At that point, I had been in for ten years. I was sharing insecurities about my boyfriend, and that he was separated from his wife. I felt attacked and judged by this woman. The facts were that his wife was mentally ill, and there were legal reasons he was not divorced. She was hospitalized at the time. I left that part out because I did not want to gossip about her So, I feel that the woman was just freaking out that I could possibly be a “home wrecker”. I was shocked and saddened by this public shaming, as I was taking care of this guy’s kids while he drank day in and day out, depressed about his wife. I recently went back, and Al-Anon is not for me. I went to a meeting where a big bully was attacking everyone for “cross-talking”. She yelled with such vigor I thought she would jump across the table and attack an 80+woman! Another woman at the meeting took all the money from the basket for change, even though I told her I needed the money for change to buy a book. It was nasty. When I spoke to others after the meeting, one woman told me she was going to have a group conscience. I did research and told her about an article I had found re: cross talking. She ended up finding that same article, and bringing it to the meeting before I could, essentially stealing my work. I had been planning to share it at the vote meeting. She also asked me to attend the group conscience, which I was more than happy to do. She then tells me later that she may not be there. I said, “You wanted the group conscience and now you are not going?” How crazy is that? She also told me over and over again that we needed to be “loving” and she was worried about me being a “brat” to the person who was attacking everyone. At yet another meeting, a man was coming to a woman’s meeting. There was one person who seemed to be “in charge” AKA: another control freak. The man started to attack her, stating non -conference approved literature was rumored to have been there. I defended her, then after the meeting told her that a group conscience could be used to vote him out. (Because he was disruptive, not because he was a man.)She defended the guy and said, no, it could not be done. So this guy is coming to the woman’s meeting every week. Nice people can be banished, but not disruptive bullies? I really believe it is a bunch of sick people going in circles. BTW I am happily married and my life is great now, I was only looking for friends. At my last meeting the women were going on and on about their loser children and one had pawned hers off on the state. She was very proud of herself that she could wash her hands of him. After I spoke I was told to “keep coming back”. Everyone parroting about “at least 3 meetings a week” No matter how many years I racked up, I was always told this.

    • Wow. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Stacy. In spite of all this sickness, you managed to find a balanced life for yourself. A great accomplishment with all the dysfunction modeled for you! Be proud! Sounds like your personal research into the 12 step cult religion to find friends was full of chaos and abuse. Cannot say I am a bit surprised.

      It’s a dangerous myth that “mentally ill” people are abusive predators. The vast majority of people with a mental health disorder are working too hard on themselves to abuse other people. The vast majority of people with legitimate mental illness are just trying to get through the day without breaking down to use their disorder as an excuse for abhorrent behavior. The vast majority of people with an emotional disorder are too sensitive and vulnerable to make it their life’s work to victimize others. Most of these people do not have the need to billboard their mental issues since they value their privacy. The vast majority of these people are so full of shame and guilt for their past behavior, they isolate themselves from groups. Not steppers! They wear their supposed mental illness like junkie pride.

      Far too often, people give others who claim to be mentally ill a pass for shitty behavioral choices. Most of those who claim to be mentally ill or that their spouse is mentally ill are predators and abusers. Stay away. Stay far away.

      Your stories are far too common in the 12 step cult religion. You’re a decent person and an abusive stepper will find a way to steal from, lie to and about, and cheat you, in order to avoid taking responsibility for their failed lives. This is no place for you or any other decant human being who has a chance to actualize a “happy, joyous, and free” life. You cannot be genuinely human and stand in your power in a group where all they do is disempower people to justify their “mental illness.”

      Thanks again for taking the time to comment. Please share everywhere.

  4. No, thank YOU!

  5. I lost two relationships because of Al-Anon. The first is my exgf. She said when i met her that her ex husband was a drug addict. She encouraged me to go to a meeting with her and never felt pulled to do so. However, after she got off her anti-depressants she started to become like the person she described her ex to be. She was very critical of me etc. I had lost a job but was actively looking. We did not live together and I did not ask her for money (she says her ex still does) etc. She broke up with me during this period and looking back I believe that she probably told her Al-anon buddies about me because later she said that someone told her that I she was attracting men just like her ex. We kept running into each other at mutual friends get togethers and one time she invited me to go for a walk around one of the lakes in our town. When i got there she announced that one of her girlfriends was coming too. Anyway, at the end of the walk she invited us both to the meeting that night. I showed up and she did not. So i went into the meeting to hear what they had to say. I felt like it was a very depressing environment. People weren’t talking about how they are healing or getting better. It was more about dealing with the person that they can’t control. Part of me understands that but I did feel like some of the people could be convinced to consider themselves co-dependent and therefore form attachment disorders.

    Anyway, my ex then claimed that i was stalking her because i went to “her ” meeting and she wasn’t there.

    Later that summer she had a health concern (life threatening) and i was there for her. Despite this she pushed me away and kept repeating the story- I just don’t want to be in a committed relationship. I need to find out who i am outside of relationship. I believe the danger with Al-anon is that someone can tell their victim story and instead of anybody questioning it they re-enforce that you need to be non-codependent. She took this message literal to mean that i can’t be with anybody anymore!! So now she is afraid to be in committed relationships. However, nobody is teaching her what a healthy partner looks like because they focus on dysfunction all the time. Nobody said, “gosh he was there for you when you almost died. That doesn’t sound like a bad trait or a bad character flaw.” Maybe she felt she was too co-dependent because somebody actually loved her and wanted to be with her?

    Lastly, my friend of over ten years called me out of the blue to tell me that she could no longer talk to me about my female relationships because when she met me she was attracted to me. I was confused. What did this have to do with anything? I had told her in the beginning that i was not into her like that and felt she was more of a sister to me. She continued with our friendship and told or shared about all of her relationships over the years. However, now that she is in Al-anon, she needs to set boundaries for me!! She is treating me like an ex boyfriend and we never went out and were not intimate.
    I confronted her on this and how she has changed since she has been going to Al-anon. She further demonized me and said, ” i’m willing to touch base with you every once in awhile in a planned timeframe but that is as far as i can go.” This is friendship? this is the third person i have experienced a lack of empathy from now with Al-anon. It’s like they condition the empathy right out of a person because they had one bad experience (ie my exgf’s exhusband who did drugs). BTW, her son said before she broke up with me that her mom had zero empathy and that she runs around town telling everyone what an addict his dad is when he only used drugs for a period when he was under stress and hasn’t since. Her Al-non has become a way for her to play the “victim” role and use to manipulate her way out of uncomfortable situations. Now she never has to worry about getting close to anyone but her behavior is a different story.

    The last week i was with her she told me before i came back from my business trip that she was excited to see me but then called an ex boyfriend up and invited him to her house when her kids were not around. I found out later after we had sex together and then the next day she tells me she wants to see other guys because she can’t be in a committed relationship with anybody.

    Thanks Al-anon. You really teach them how to be in a healthy relationship!!!

    • You understand how alanon really works in a deeply personal way. They get to play victim for life and anyone unfortunate enough to cross their path quickly becomes their “qualifier.” I am so sorry you’ve gone through all this. You sound like a man just looking for a healthy companion. You deserve far better than all this.

      If Steppers they were honest, they would come with a warning. “Do not date. I will make your life a living hell just to keep playing the role of victim. I was always crazy but now the steps of (insert 12 step program here) have given me a life long excuse to be an abusive, dysfunctional, gossip-liar for all eternity. Get to know at your own risk!”

      To tell someone directly, or even worse indirectly that they are just like your “drug addict” ex, is the ultimate in abusive control tactics. She invites you to a meeting, doesn’t show and then claims that you are stalking her at “her” meeting?! Stay far away from her. No matter what she claims, no matter if she dangles sex in front of you, no matter what … stay away from her. She is using you (and she’ll find someone else the second you stop trying to relate with her) to appear as the victim to her alanon “fellows.” These people are sick before they ever go into the 12 step cult religion… they are completely out of their minds once they “get what we have” in the cult.

      You helped safe her life and all you got in return was nothing but heartache. Move on and know that if her exhusband could talk to you, he would reinforce that both of you are far better off without her. In fact, with her as a wife, it’s no wonder why he found help with drugs!

      Let her figure it out, if she ever will, it’s certainly not your responsibility. These are people who never grew up and never want to grow up. Any therapist worth their practice would help her find out where her behaviors had contributed to her unhappiness and help her to move on. Alanon will only allow members to be forever victims and abusers stuck in a revolving door of (as you so insightfully say) attachment disorders.

      As for the supposed friend, she’s blaming you for her attraction to you and for your non-attraction to her. That is pure manipulation in an attempt to get you to into a more intimate relationship by pretending you were or are more intimate in the past. That’s so sick. These women are manipulative and cruel. Again, you’re better off without “friends” like these. However, this is a loss after 10 years so it’s important to honor the loss. Have your feelings, cut her off and move on but have your feelings about losing a friend.

      Thank you so much for trusting this forum with your truth. If you ever meet anyone who is a member of alanon (or any 12 step cult offshoot) now you know to run. Run away and never look back. You deserve far better than this from anyone fortunate enough to be in your life.

      You’ll be far more likely to find a worthy companion when you stay away from steppers.

  6. I can’t even begin to say how much I love this article! 👍 Self righteous bible thumpers!

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