“Rarely have we seen …” What’s Wrong With A.A.’S Literature “How It Works”

At the beginning of every mind-fuck 12 step cult meeting, a passage from their big book of lies is read aloud by one member (who incidentally has usually been forced to read it).  The “How It Works” passage reads,

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of be­ing honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”

Rarely Have We SeenSeriously?!  Could this possibly be more of a cognitive dissonance inducing pile of shit?  No.  First of all, most people DO fail at their so-called simple programme.  The statistics are overwhelmingly clear on this.

The AA cult religion is nothing but a dangerous set-up for failure for the vast majority who reject faith healing disguised as medicine.  The rest of this passage is a big subterfuge of pseudo honesty all wrapped up in a you’re-a-piece-of-shit sandwich.  Don’t fall for it for a second!

I recently had a conversation with a Marriage and Family Therapist who claimed that she did indeed give clients a choice.  “They are free to go out and test their ability to drink.”  It was all I could do to not reach through the phone and shake the baby!

Telling someone that their choice is to either join your programme, or go out and attempt suicide is NO CHOICE AT ALL.  That is most certainly what this choice is placing on someone.  in other words, “you can keep trying to be a normal drinker and die on the streets, or you can join us on our “happy road of destiny”, or whatever stupid lie that shit chant states!  For a stepper to do this is bad enough, but for a clinician to do it is outright HARMING and CONDEMNING for the client.

First of all, the vast majority of people with a substance use issue get better (moderate or abstain) ONE THEIR OWN.  A clinician who uses or recommends the 12 step cult in a treatment setting at all, should have their license suspended, until they have been de-programmed and trained in all the evidence-based help available.  This acquaintance actually believes she is giving clients a choice when she is creating nothing but a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY of FAILURE.

Dr. Adi Jaffe has given me permission to share the link below.  He writes a brilliant article that further outlines how this passage in the 12 step cult literature HARMS rather than helps people, doing a great job of explaining how this subterfuge harms and what to do about it.  This link will also lead you to a truly revolutionary outpatient center in Beverly Hills that can genuinely help you and those for which you care.  There should be more facilities and helpers like Dr. Jaffe!

Where we disagree is his statement “It’s time to dust off the covers, and incorporate the 12-steps into the bigger picture of addiction treatment.”  No sir.  It is time to get the 12 step cult religion OUT of addiction treatment altogether.  Any clinician who continues to push this dangerous cult should be reprimanded for doing so.  “Sponsors” can do whatever evil shit disguised as help they chose, but clinicians disguised as cult disciples need to revamp their work.  STAT!

What’s wrong with AA’S literature?  Everything!  How does “it work?”  It DOESN’T.

Please read and share everywhere.  Thank You!

What’s wrong with A.A.’s How it works passage



12 Steps To Dead – A Book by Rolf Ankermann

12 steps to deadAll you need to know about what it is REALLY like to attend 12 step meetings is right here. As entertaining as this work is, it is also painful … because it is all so true. These kinds of experiences are nothing new to anyone who has ever spent any time in the roomz Whether the organization does something about it is another kettle of fish.  In fact, AAWS (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services) knows full well of all the predatory behavior in their cult religion, but have actively chosen to do NOTHING to protect members, young or old, male or female, vulnerable or criminal.

Rolf’s book should be a must read for anyone who is thinking about attending a 12 step meeting, anyone who is questioning their membership, anyone who is recommending a loved one attend, any clinician who has not experienced this programme … and ESPECIALLY any clinician who is still recommending this dangerous cult religion to vulnerable clients.  Your ethics should be seriously questioned if you continue to refer clients to this dangerous cult religion. This is the polar opposite of the evidence-based help you are mandated to provide.

Steppers will defend their cult with all kinds of chants they have learned to parrot, but nothing changes that these experiences are disgustingly common. (They will also attack you personally due to the extreme brainwashing).  In fact, sexism and preying on others is built into the very fabric of this cult. Very reliable sources tell of how the guru founder, Bill Wilson, needed to have a chaperone whenever he attended meetings … to keep him from hitting on all the women. Wilson had mistresses his entire life and even shared his estate with one of them, (proceeds he stole from the other founders and from book sales which he inflated for profit), when he died. This is just one small example of how preying on others and avoiding responsibility for abusive behavior is promoted in the very literature and practices of this dangerous cult.  The cognitive dissonance of every member is truly astounding, and by design.  This cult renders members perpetually powerless while the cult is forever powerful.  It’s a no-win situation for members where they either conform to the way of life or they are threatened with Jail, Institutions, or Death.

Their famous big book is nothing but lies and indoctrination into a dangerous cult … all the while posing as some safe self-help group. Safe?  Nothing could possibly be further from the truth. What women are told to do is to find their part and forgive their rapist. I wish I were exhagerrating. Even more common, sexual assault victims are vilified for bringing the assault to the group and are gossiped about relentlessly … EXACTLY what is portrayed in this book.

What Mr. Ankermann has done is to expose the truth with humor, through characters we like, and with which we identify. It’s one of those reads you blow through and wish for a sequel.

You may find yourself reading it twice in a row, as I did.   The first time, due to the painfully funny stories, I had the need to stop, process, and continue reading when it felt safe. If you are reading this book thinking. “this is a dramatized version of what goes on, it must be.” … NO! Don’t kid yourself, this book is straight up truth.

These kind of horror stories happen everyday to the vast majority of people in the 12 step cult in one form and to one degree or another,  but they go unreported due to the foresight of the founders anonymity.   In fact, the stories in this book are relatively tame compared to what goes on daily in any 12 step cult meeting.

13th Stepping (euphemism for sexual harassment) is rampant, as is financial exploitation. Just that they have a term for it is enough to know it exists and what do they do about it when it happens?  They blame the victim and protect the cult. The numbers of women who have been raped by men they met in AA is staggering. The story of Sharon is all too common, AA has decided to do NOTHING about this rampant problem by refusing to even establish safety policies. They use the old get-out-to-responsibility-free card by claiming they do not govern meetings. They are more than aware of the problem and have actively chosen to look the other way. The documentation on this is easy to find.

Thank you Rolf Ankermann for a most important book! We need more people to admit that not only is there rampant physical abuse in the 12 step cult, there is also severe brainwashing that keeps members always in a state of self-blame and self-hate. Members of this cult are told that their best thinking made them abuse drugs and alcohol and behave poorly. NO. Your WORST thinking does that.  Your WORST thinking also keeps you a willing hostage to the cognitive dissonance you suffer after spending any time in the roomz.

You can check in but you can never check out. I look forward to more from this gifted writer. Thank you!

DEFINITELY read this book.  You will benefit from it and so will those you care for, and you will get a good laugh in the process.  Brilliant work Rolf!

See Amazon link here:    https://www.amazon.com/12-Steps-Dead-Rolf-Ankermann-ebook/dp/B00VPC7604/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8


Steven Tyler Makes Prince’s Death All About Steven Tyler


Just like a good stepper, Tyler has made a tragedy for someone else, all about his fake disease and the blame the victim dogma that goes with it, from his beloved cult.

In the link provided below, you will see how sickeningly brainwashed Tyler is under the BILLShit of the 12 step cult religion.  Steppers are, of course, coming to Tyler’s defense saying that he is being compassionate. No. Wrong.

Just like a good stepper, he has made this all about his pseudo humility and fake compassion.Tyler even sneaks in a snippet of his vilification (and sneaky nod to “powerlessness”), on doctors and prescription meds.  Since steppers must be a victim to their “disease” and “powerless” over their choices (not to mention they need a babysitter over prescription meds), they must find blame  God forbid they take responsibility!

I say, the next time old-timer Tyler goes in for his colonoscopy, he must do it without the anesthesia.  Aferall, it’s a slippery slope!

Tyler compares what has been reported as Prince’s emergency with drugs, “taking too much of something” as something he knows well.  (Not that this has one single thing to do with Prince!)  Claiming he knows all about what it’s like to be in this place of a “recovering alcoholic and addict,” Tyler pretends to know one fucking thing about Prince’s situation.

Notice how they are always “recovering” and never recovered.  They are never responsible for their own choices and behavior.  They are never allowed to leave the cult and you can never depend on them for anything.  They are forever “diseased.”  If they even think about moving on with their lives they are reminded of where they will end up: Jail, an Institution or Dead.  The End.

In Tyler’s cult soaked brain, he makes this leap that since Prince died, he might have the same “disease” as I, (under the “if he did die from drugs” fake compassion), and thank the cult God for those that have gone before me.

Tyler then proceeds to claim that if Prince had the same “disease” he has, his death did not need to happen.  In other words, if Prince would have just turned his will and his life over to a 12 step program and gone to skull-fuck cult meetings and carried the cult message everywhere … he would not be dead.  Really?!?!  Just like a stepper to make that insane leap of BILLShit.  People die because of this cult and it’s all-to-nothing-we-are-the-only-way dogma far more often than from drug overdoses.  Suicide is rampant in the 12 step cult.  Depression is made worse never better.  Prince was far too enlightened to fall for this crazy shit.  I digress.

Stepper disciples chant the most ridiculous victim blaming shit whenever anyone in this cult dies of an overdose or suicide … the meetings are full of chants like “there but for the grace … ” quickly followed by the “some must die so that others can live.”  That’s right.  They actually believe that when one of them dies, they are reminding the others how deeply diseased they all are.  This is a backhanded way of blaming the victim, especially in the case of an overdose death, with the cover of humility in the “better him than me grace of God” realm.  These people truly are sicker than sick.

Then this asshat Tyler decides to chant the most ridiculous claim of all.  I quote,  “Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, they all died so I could live.”  Really Steve??!!  He then proceeds to claim that the only way he can wrap his head around Prince is to make the same claim … That Prince died so that he can live.  Wow.  Steppers are the most egotistical, narcissistic pieces of shit alive.

So under this fake compassion, Tyler has given you an excellent glimpse of what it’s like to be a brainwashed member of the most diabolical cult religion of all time.

Being the very private person he was, Prince would have to put himself out to counteract this extreme breach of his privacy.  But Prince is gone and cannot tell Steven Tyler to fuck off.  I can.  FUCK OFF STEVEN TYLER.

Stay the fuck away from this dangerous cult religion.  Help your loved ones stay the fuck away.  Stay the fuck away from Steven Tyler!

Rest In Peace Prince.  You deserve far better than this from far better people than Steven Tyler.

— Laura Tompkins






Hello Enlightened Readers!

Just a quick post to inform you lovely people of this new domain change.  (Cougarblogger is automatically redirected so no worries).

I first named my blog Cougarblogger when I started writing a blog in general, not knowing it would turn into a work mostly to expose the 12 step cult religion dangers.  As an older and wiser woman, I find the term Cougar to be hilarious and I joke, “Call me a mountain lion and you’re bound to get BIT!”  When I started to write more and more about this horrible cult religion, the issue with the domain name came up, and has remained an issue.  Not my issue, but an issue for 12 Step disciples.  Of course.

Over the years, I have had brainwashed steppers make any excuse to avoid facing the truth about their little cult religion.  One of these excuses goes something like, “How could you listen to a writer who calls herself Cougarblogger?”  Of course, these unfortunates will do and say anything in an attempt to defend their cult — a hallmark of a cult is the inability to allow for ANY dissent from the cult principles.  As we all know, one of the first brainwashing tactics of this cult is to demand members embrace the idea that their best thinking is their enemy.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but they care not!

So, here we go.  I have now changed the domain name of this brilliant blog from Cougarblogger to 12STEPCULTRELIGIONEXPOSED.  

Steppers are going to have to kiss my shapely ass.

Love you all!

Laura Chupack-Tompkins


Alcoholics Anonymous — Destroying Relationships One Step At A Time

Hello Enlightened Ones!
It was requested of me to share this letter on my blog.  This woman wants more than anything for people to know that this cult religion commonly known as AA (the 12 steps), is a controlling and manipulative place.  Unfortunately, this story is sickeningly commonplace.  Sponsors in this cult religion sabotage relationships with anyone who is not One of Us.  Here is just one sad example of this manipulation.

An Open Letter to My True Love’s Sponsor

I am angry. I have been furious for many, many months. I will try my best to maintain some professionalism. I want to communicate with you effectively. I want you to hear this. I want you to hear every word.

I am not a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous. You likely know that many people aren’t.
Unfortunately for those who need support, the organization has evolved into something evil. The philosophy is flawed, but the execution is out of control.

I am not an addict. I did many, many drugs of all types. I was lucky that I’m the type who can keep it under control, moderate, and stop when it starts to go too far. One of my siblings is an addict. Many of my friends are addicts and I have seen the tragedy first-hand.

The friends who sought help from AA were the worst tragedies. The success statistics of AA are appalling. AA is not about leading addicts to a healthy lifestyle. It’s about isolating and controlling members, making them dependent, and keeping the numbers high. Not too hard to make an addict dependent, is it? The more they fall off the wagon, the more they keep coming back.

I was harshly abused throughout childhood. As a result, I have the control issues that are so common among abuse survivors. Many AA members come from similar backgrounds. Serious problems arise when those with control issues become sponsors – trusted authority figures with deep emotional problems and a desperate need to control.

There is no leadership, no chain of command, to step in to regulate this flawed organizational structure.

There are stories everywhere about sober spouses who encouraged their addict partners to seek out AA, out of love, in hope of getting help for their loved one. They found their 20-year marriages destroyed. AA wants to keep things incestuous and therefore sponsors encourage breakups and divorce from anyone who has a non-addict partner, in favor of a relationship with a fellow addict who can also be controlled.

AA groups are fuckfests. You lock the doors and just breed with each other like rats. Tom rolls up on a Harley, seven feet tall and green-eyed, dripping of success, and the female addicts see a path to prosperity.

I’ve known Tom for many years. The moment he divorced and sought help from AA, a predatory addict grabbed him before he could get his coat off. She spent years leeching off of him. Living in his nice home, him paying her bills, her not working. Not all addicts are pieces of shit, but this woman was a piece of shit. I’m sure she loved Tom but what she wanted was a man to support her.

Unfortunately, she is now dead. Another life lost to ineffective AA “treatment.” She choked on her own vomit. You know this woman. You know who I’m speaking of. You have met her. Close your eyes and picture this woman’s mother opening a door and seeing her daughter dead on the floor, covered in what little vomit she didn’t aspirate.

Tom gets this from women a lot. He’s successful and well-known, and he enjoys providing for his loved ones. I am also successful and therefore a provider is not something I need or seek. I admire that he provides well for his children and that he provided for his wife and kids for over 20 years. He is accustomed to that. I am not. It is a sticking point – Tom wants to provide for me but I resist, because I would love him no less if he were a part-time janitor. Being a good provider is part of his identity and he wants a woman who needs that.

Many sponsors are unfit for this role. You are one of them.

Tom told me your opinions of our relationship. Then he told me your demands of our relationship. Then he told me of the actions you took to force our relationship to end, as you commanded. It made you nuts that someone refused to act on the orders you issued. Tom doesn’t respond well to controlling behavior and he was not happy with your need for power over him.

Let me explain something, which you should feel free to verify with Tom. I am very intelligent. Frighteningly so. Tom is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I’m smarter than Tom. I’m smarter than you.

Due to a difference in life experience, I am more perceptive and more savvy than is Tom about certain things. Tom is more perceptive than you give him credit for, though. Know that.

The result, in your case, is that I knew what you were up to. Not only did I recognize your motives and actions when you first implemented your plan, I knew what you were doing about three days before you knew it. Maybe Tom is willing to give you more detail and a timeline. I’ll just hit the highlights.

When your demands of him didn’t work, you and your 5th/6th/12th wife took him to your church for “worship and support.” This was the moment my pain started.

Because I knew.

Let me tell you about church. I grew up in a strongly religious home. I attended church 4 or 5 days a week for my entire childhood. Many of my relatives are members of the clergy. My brother is a member of the clergy. I know church.

We were taught, as teenagers, about morals and ethics and faith. About adhering to the teachings of the church. Why those teachings were important. I remained a virgin well into adulthood.

Church was a huge part of my life. I have good memories. It shaped who I am. I know many authentic, devout, good people who were active in the church. I also met many hypocrites. It’s a pet peeve.

That’s why I was repulsed to find that every Adult Singles group, in all of the many churches I attended, was constantly on the verge of becoming an orgy. Ten percent of the attendees were there for friendship and faith. Few were there seeking a marital partner. Almost all of them were unapologetically there for sex. My poor brother, while in seminary, had to flee these singles groups after trying several, because aggressive women were demanding sex of him while he was trying to be celibate in accordance with his faith.

I understood that when you and your latest wife took Tom to church, you were using a tactic that started at the dawn of human history. You were controlling him by dangling pussy in front of him.

And pussy is what he got. He went to church every Sunday and immediately after, he got the pussy. He fucked it, he licked it, he finger banged it, he gave it multiple orgasms, then he fucked it again.

You and Jesus must be so proud.

I have known for months and months what was going on. I try to be dignified. I am not a controlling, suspicious, possessive girlfriend. I regret that. I should have come to SC the moment you took him to church and stopped this shit cold. I should have stopped you.

You used that woman. You walked him up to her and said “Please meet my tall, handsome, successful friend Tom.” You did that knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Did you think he could just instantly forget me, a woman he describes as the love of his life, just because he was getting sex elsewhere?

I hope to meet you someday. I need you to see that I am a real person. I want you to know that I am successful, ambitious, sharp as a tack, educated, well-spoken – one of the few people who can speak to Tom on his level.

I want you to see how beautiful I am. How graceful I am. How I own every room I enter. How good I look on his arm. What a stunning couple we are. I am everything he wants. He is everything to me.

Tom bears responsibility for what happened with her. He admits to that. He admits his role in all of this. He and I have had that discussion.

But you, in your quest to control Tom and in your incomprehensible crusade to destroy ME, had no ethical problem involving an innocent third party. You added her to your list of victims.

I can only assume she was in love with Tom. Who wouldn’t be? You apparently loathe me, but you knew this woman; you had a personal relationship with her. You walked her into this fucked up situation. Perhaps you are so impressed with yourself that you thought it would work out the way you dreamed.

Instead, you not only caused deep pain to me and to Tom, but also to this woman you call your friend.

I hate the idea of her. I hate the mental images that make me ill every day. I hate the face I’ve put on this woman having sex with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. But I can’t hate her.

She wasn’t predatory. The predator is you. She was in the dark. Another dispensable pawn for your chess game. She’s more innocent than I am – I knew what was happening and failed to stop it. She didn’t know she needed to stop and walk away.

Tom and I were, and still are, very much in love. You can’t be blamed for the unnecessarily hurtful, horrific, cruel manner in which he finally admitted all this to me, after many arguments based on my scarily-accurate and detailed suspicions.

Your actions, your words, your bullying, your need for control and power, led directly to the many fifths of bourbon Tom has consumed in the last few days. So drunk he can barely talk, because he has lost my trust and caused me unbearable pain from which I may never heal. Because you needed to feel the power of him bending to your will.

Nice work.

Three of us have lost much. Even though we’ve all lost, I want you to know that you haven’t won. You did not win. Know this. Let it eat you from the inside out.

— She wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of retribution from these steppers.


Super Bowl XLIX – 2015 — Insights From The Chef — BULLIES ON THE FIELD

You can be PROUD to be American.

Well, what a game!  Sometimes the Super Bowl is a blow out due to a team getting lucky in one playoff game.  There are many reasons why the big game ends up not being even close to the best of the year.  We all know this and look forward to the years when the Superbowl is an even match, where we are kept riding the game until the last moment.  Tonight our hopes were realized.  This one was a great game!

The American Superbowl is a national holiday.  We make special foods.  We get together with friends and family. Go to annual parties or throw one ourselves. We have pride in our country and our national sport.  Kids are all over the place playing football.  It’s almost like another 4th of July.  We barbecue and use it as an excuse to drink and eat a bit too much. American Football is a video game we all play together for one day, and we Americans love our video games!

We also love a good story of a local American man making a difference in our favorite pastime for his family.  Chris Matthews of Kentucky going from working 2 jobs (Foot Locker and a security guard somewhere), to the instant, unknown hero of the big game … now that’s a good American hero story.

We love a hero’s journey.  It’s one day, like the 4th, when we can be proud to be American.

This Superbowl was one for the books.  Too many to count AMAZING plays, calls, ‘did-you-just-fucking-see-that‘ moments in this one.  It was so much fun to watch.

That is, until the last 2 plays when the Seahawks decided to start a brawl and the Patriots joined right in.  When I read about a soccer (the original football) field brawl in Ireland or the like, it is usually the fans who get into some shit with each other.

Tonight these ‘players-gangsters-thugs’ decided to make complete asses of themselves at the end of the game.  They suddenly turned into street-dogs, pushing, punching and throwing each other around.  Hey, FUCK YOU.

I can’t believe I got up early and made special food for these BULLIES.  I can’t believe I made a special trip to the (packed!) market for this day, fighting the crowds, the traffic.  I can’t believe I bothered to schedule my day around this group of abusive thugs and their show.  I also can’t believe there were so many of them involved in this fight.  How embarrassing.

What amazes me most is the fact that these men are such big pieces of shit posing as heroes.  Really?  You can’t take winning or losing like a man.  Really?  You can’t just walk away from a bully.  Really?  You’re grown men with an incredible amount of money for playing a game you love, and you can’t seem to celebrate and allow the winning team to revel in their victory.  Just because someone starts some shit does not mean you have to join them in their abuse.  What the fuck is wrong with these men?  There is just no excuse for what happened at the end of this game.  I am disgusted.  What a bunch of thugs and bullies.

I am pissed.  Never again will I get up early on a Sunday and start cooking for this national pastime holiday.  They are not worth it.  Never again will I tune into this show.  Never again will I go out of my way for a game filled with nothing but street thugs.  It’s one thing for a couple of dogs to get into a fight.  You’re grown, thinking adult human men!!  What the fuck is wrong with you?!

If this is the role modeling for the next generation of athletes, we are in deeper shit than I imagined … and I imagine some pretty deep shit.  We are drowning in it.

Back to the norm — Embarrassed to be an American.  At least it’s a familiar feeling.  Fucking thugs.  Thanks for nothin.

Happy Superbowl Day.

PS.  If you find yourself excusing or justifying this travesty at the end of the game. that’s okay.  I reject it soundly. Just the fact that we try to rationalize it is enough to declare it a sham.

I declare that we can rationalize it all we want but that in no way changes the facts.  They are a bunch of street thugs and bullies and there is no justification for what just went down.  We may be desensitized to violence but this is far more than that.  If I had a son, I would fear for his future.

Oh but, Happy Superbowl Day.  Twill be my last.  How depressing.  Like a craps game that has lost it’s hot thrower, I am out.  Tip the dealer for the ride but that table is spent.

— Laura Tompkins


I Have Had Enough — Have You? Stay Away From The ‘Program’ AA.

The Small Book — by Jack Trimpey.

Are you convinced that you have a drinking problem and need to abstain from alcohol but are finding it difficult?  Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?  How many times are you going to make the promise of change to yourself only to break that promise?  Have you had enough?  Is this AA cult religion ‘program’ doing you more harm than good?  Yes?
That is because AA is designed to keep you dependent on IT, rather than on YOU.

Not everyone needs to abstain from alcohol forever.  You know if you are best in abstinence or moderation. Sometimes, the choice changes from one to the other over time.  For either choice, The Small Book by Jack Trimpey will give you insight into how your inner voice can and does sabotage your efforts … and how to change that by using it.

You CAN trust your own thinking.  You are NOT alone.  You do NOT need to attend dis-empowering, mind-fuck, thought-stopping religious meetings for the rest of your life.  You have all the power to keep your promises to yourself and to those you love.  Start here.

The following is an example from a man who used The Small Book to help him finally find his freedom.  With permission, I share it with you.  Enjoy!  (And please, if you appreciate this, share it on facebook and wherever you share on social media.  I have had a hacking abuse situation and am no longer a member of facebook.  Thank you!)

“I found my way to a dead chat-room with a single person in it… “Sunflowerx41” I think it was…

Gunthar2000: Hello.
Sunflowerx41: Hello.

Gunthar2000: Are you in recovery?
Sunflowerx41: 10 years.

Gunthar2000: I can’t seem to get it right.
Sunflowerx41: Get what right?

Gunthar2000: The program.
Sunflowerx41: Ahhh… The program… Have you tried anything else?

Gunthar2000: I tried quitting on my own, but it never works. My whole life is a mess.
Sunflowerx41: Do you read books?

Gunthar2000: Yes I do. My favorite book is The Grapes of Wrath. I like to read stuff from that period. Steinbeck is a genius! Have you read it?
Sunflowerx41: Read The Small Book by Jack Trimpey.

Gunthar2000: What’s it about? Someone online suggested that I should read The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino. I read it, but it was too mooshy-gooshy for me. Have you read it?
Sunflowerx41: Are you drinking right now?

Gunthar2000: I’m at the library… I’m drunk, if that’s what you’re asking.
Sunflowerx41: Do you have a piece of paper?

Gunthar2000: Hold on a sec.
Gunthar2000: Got it.

Sunflowerx41: Write this down.
Sunflowerx41: The Small Book by Jack Trimpey.
Gunthar2000: Okay… What’s it like?

Sunflowerx41: It’s about quitting drinking… Have you had enough?
Gunthar2000: Yup… My life is all fucked up.

Sunflowerx41: Then read the book. It changed my life. I’ve been sober for 10 years in May. Hey listen… I have to go. The brood is acting up. I was just like you. You can quit drinking if you want to… just get that book and read it. Write it down and put it in your pocket in case you forget. I have to go. Good luck.

Gunthar2000: Thanks. What’s it about?

Sunflowerx41: I have to go.

Sunflowerx41: Bye.

Gunthar2000: Bye.

It would be another three or four years before I’d finally put the bottle down, but that day… that encounter in a chat-room… and that book have changed my life for the better.

A Vision for Me

I’m not gonna get into the specifics about how I quit drinking, because frankly, I don’t think you should give a shit. I can sum it up in two words… “Individualized Recovery.” That means my recovery is based on my needs, and nobody else’s. What I did to stop drinking is as likely to help you stop drinking as it is likely my shoes will fit comfortably on your feet… and the same goes for AA’s 12 steps.

I don’t know about you, but in my case, Bill Wilson’s shoes hurt the hell out of my feet and gave me blisters. It was like trying to walk with bear-traps on my ankles.

My point here is that there is no single method that works for everyone. We are all unique people, with unique challenges, and unique needs. Recovery depends on your ability to identify your own issues and solve your own problems. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t use every available resource to help you identify your problems and recover from alcoholism. I’m saying that when AA hands you a plate full of shit and tells you that you have to eat it if you want to recover, it’s okay to say, “That ain’t my plate full of shit, and those ain’t my problems.”

If there were any steps involved at all in my recovery, leaving AA was the first. And so, I left AA and I recovered from my battle with booze. I was able to do this, in large part, due to that chance encounter, in that empty chat-room long ago.

Half Steps

Leaving AA was not easy for me. I’d spent the better part of 16 years or so bouncing in and out of dirty church basements looking for an answer. Although I couldn’t call anyone at AA a close friend, besides my family and a fleeting romance here and there, AA members were the only acquaintances that I had. When I told my AA friends that I was thinking about seeking outside help they quickly assured me that I would drink again. And so, I tossed around in the surf. Alcoholics Anonymous had become a mind fuck that ebbed and broke like crescent waves through my entire existence. Without those people, I couldn’t even figure out who the fuck I was. They had defined me, and I had depended on their approval in order to justify myself. The only way to be accepted was to subscribe to the doctrine. They had prescribed a one size fit’s all personality profile and told me that if I didn’t find a way to fit it I would die.

And here was this book… this little rant that introduced me to the idea that it was okay to think for myself again. I devoured that book like God eats lobster, and when I was finished, I knew that something big had happened. It felt like stepping back into my-self. Somewhere along the line I had renounced myself. I had taken up Bill Wilson’s cross and followed Alcoholics Anonymous out into the wilderness and there I found no manna to sustain. And so I left the tribe and there along my path stood a sign that read, “This Way to You.”

If I hadn’t found the answer to my drinking problem, I was sure of one thing. Alcoholics Anonymous was not helping me… it was hurting me.

“But what about those nice people… the ones who’ve devoted so much time to trying to help you?”… I asked myself.
“Surely Jack and Mary, Dave and Roy meant you no harm.”
“You were the one who failed, not them.”

And I went back, and I went back again seeking their approval… trying my best to “take what I needed and leave the rest.”

It took a while, but the truth did finally sink in… There is no “take what you need and leave the rest.” AA is all or nothing. You are either in AA, or you are out of AA… There is no in between. There is no splicing the doctrine. There is no yourself.

I left AA in early September of 2006.

September 22nd, I put the bottle down.

I haven’t had a drop since.”
—  Gunthar

Thank you again to Donald for permission to share this.  “I devoured that book like God eats lobster.”  My favorite line.  Genius!

— Laura Tompkins


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 411 other followers

%d bloggers like this: